All 3 brothers have also left home at some point in their life to pursue education in another land. Eldest was all along in KL and Afterwards america since 17. The 2nd left to live in singapore with my grandmother since 17 as well. The 3rd left 5 years later when he is 17 to stay with my grandmother in singapore. Needless to say, the house in malaysia became really empty. Without their son's company, they are quiet and lonely at home. Each time, any of the sons return to the house, my parent would cooked up a feast for them. Delicious chicken rice and braised pork. Kangkong sambal chilly and si chuan veg soup. sometimes, curry chicken and teow chew style porridge. These are things that are considered luxurious to me when I was in pri sch.

It is quite apparent that my daily meals consist of meals cooked by the maid. Just bread in the morning and porridge with fish and veg in the afternoon. Dinner was rice and well, every meal is cook by the maid. As the last child with huge age gap between all brothers, it is not surprising that my mother would have took care of all 3 brothers till they are all teenagers. Because the youngest daughter was still kindergaten then. When all the brothers had to pursue their education somewhere, the mother took the chance to get back to the workforce after leaving for 10 year + to take care of all 4 children.

Our mother, was someone who likes to learn and work. Having 4 kids, jailed her for 10 years +. When all 3 of the kids were pretty much grown up, the 4th one is at disadvantage. She does not like to be locked up at home taking care of the last burden. Thus when they left her (daughter) alone to play and hired a maid subsequently after the youngest daughter foolishly open the door to a stranger in primary sch.

I, am the forth child. I am the youngest and the only girl. What I will tell you, is my side of the story, as a child to my teenage years. What become of me today and the tragic of this family.

As a child, I was not very smart. I couldn't count money at the age of 6. I had to have all 5 people in my family to slowly teach me with patience on how to count. As far as I could remember, I was always the noisy and useless one in the family. I was not smart and not particularly talented in any field. I often cause trouble and is always clumsy. The only niche in me was perhaps, my learning ability of house chore. Because I wasn't smart and I wasn't talented, all I could do is learn to cook, clean, wash and mop. My parents, especially my mum, was delighted, each time I could do something to help her. She thinks that I am a good girl when I help her with chores and would praise me even. The last child is often at disadvantage because all the love is exhausted. In desperation of love, I could only do this much in order to get some favor. I listen to my brothers command and do them whole heartedly. Especially the 3rd brother. I didn't have play mates and he was my only playmate. I wanted his attention so badly and as he command me to fetch him water or switch on the fan and tv for him, i did it all with delight. Yet, I was also the rebellious child, taking after my 3rd brother. I always end up getting beaten all over.

Throughout the years, my brothers kind of get the hint from my parents that I was the youngest and don't have much say. I was not smart and clumsy so of course if shit happens, It just easier to push the blame to the defenseless one. I couldn't count the number of times things like this happens. Which probably is the cause of me being rebellious as i always seek redress yet unsuccessful. Even at home, being treat fairly and equally was hard, much less from school and society. You could very well say that at the age of 10, I understood humanity and human characteristics. Yes. I couldn't trust anyone but myself was what I've told myself since forever. At such young age and I already understood the truth and the ugly. My childhood was quite the different than you would expect from a young girl.

It was hard trying to earn some love from my family. Doing chores was soon seen as something natural instead of special. I was not smart. My mother who have always believe that books are the ultimate education for a child. She sent me to many tuitions and was very particular about my grades and often compare them to my brothers or other children. To her, I have to meet the mark just like my brothers all did her proud. I find myself chasing my brothers steps since 6 years old. I chose the same primary school and secondary school that my 3rd brother goes to. Perhaps, it made me feel easier to catchup to him since we didn't have much age and intelligence gap. From pri 1 to 2, i was really very lazy. I didn't like to study but was force on to complete book after books of assessment books. Then I would cry in bed over the fact that I suck and my parents don't love me as much cause im dumb.

What really hit me was from Pri 2 to 6. I worked really hard. I think i can even swear. I was a diligent kid. Even though I hated studying. I hated school because the teachers hits me and shames me in class and later infront of the whole school. My "friends" sabotage me to the teacher and I was alone throughout my lower primary days. I studied really hard since primary 3, because i thought with good grades, the teacher and my parent would praise me. I was desperate for people to acknowledge me.

It didn't paid off though. No matter how hard i try, I still end up at the 4th class every year. Yet in my pri 4 days. A special friend appeared and have always been with me, even until now. There were thick and thins. Confusion. Betrayal. Remorse. In pri 6, even a child's maturity will grow. I found myself a circle of good friends who I always hang out with. The true meaning to having a clique in the class for the first time of my life. I was not despise by classmates. I was a tyrant character since Pri 1. As I acted differently since young, believing that no one is good and everyone is out to get me. It made me a rough and agressive girl. Perhaps stress at home and with grades, build up. Perhaps, no one really cares if i was naughty or mean in school. I learned vulgarities from boys and fought in the school bus with boys. It was like natural for me. I did not allow people to bully me unofficially. i fought back. Though when it comes to teachers and school, i have no control when the teacher felt like slapping my face. Asking me to buy her coffee or massage her shoulders. Yet, to survive this cruelty, i quietly did as command, by this teacher in my pri 2 and 3 class. Sometimes even had to perform for her amusement. I must say, kids who knows how to curry favor her have a good time getting away. While kids who fought back taste her slapping more than a well rounded school life.

Needless to say, a child who knows nothing about human rights and laws, did not question. A child would only think she is at fault every time. Which goes to show why the parents were ignorant of such issues only in the child's later teenage life, where they fought greatly did the girl blurt out the truth. Yet by then, she already knew that the teacher was not right. However, she would not have pursue anything since its been a few years ago.

In secondary school, my parents moved to singapore to live in order to make my 2 brothers live in the same roof as them again. Back then, the security in JB was also bad. They often repeat to me about the biggest reason they move house was for my safety which I've always doubt so.

My secondary school years was dark yet not as bleaked as my pri sch yrs.
For some reason, I worked just as hard and was often rewarded the top 10 positions in class. I wasn't smart but I guess my diligence paid off. My parents were proud of me each time i tell them how wonderful I did with my maths test. Or how I managed to score in my examinations.
I could say, in my sec 1 and 2 lives, my parents really dote me. I help with house chore and score good grades, just as they wanted.

At this point of time, my mother decided to study nursing in ITE and i sort of become the mother of the family. Cooking and cleaning are like part of my duty everyday. My mother travels 1-2 hrs each they back and fro to her school. While my school is just beside my house. Having to juggle cca, school and the house, my patience really got messed. As the days goes by, we all started to have lots of quarrel mostly due to my complaints and expectation of me doing the chores were not met.

Then, I got into the best class in sec 3. I did not have it easy. I realized even when I was top 10 in sec 1 and 2, I cannot achieve the same in sec 3. I was falling behind class. Eventually, my results became so problematic, I ran away from cca a few times even when I was the captain for Girl's division badminton. There are teachers who showed concern in the right ways and the wrong ways. Eventually i threw away Add.Math and Accounts. Ended up doing what I was best at. My parents were once again, gone back into looking down on me.

So, how did I actually survive such terrible childhood?

I ran into the virtual world. Anime. There were stories in anime where people were polite, there were true love and truth in everything. They showed the ugly but also how people could be good. Everything seems such a good deal in anime. It's like faith in humanity restored only in Anime. It was my source of happiness and source of comfort. It's like telling me, it's ok. We know it's hard. There are people suffering just like you. That's why I love anime and Love Japanese culture. At a point of time, you could also say, i was addicted to it.

Of course, it leds to even more disgust by my parents when they knew their daughter being into Japanese culture. To them, Japanese are wicked people (due to the war). They were even more disgusted when they knew i started cosplaying.

Cosplay was a hobby i developed when I first went to chingay event with the school when i was 16.
It was amazing to me that time, that virtual characters could come to live in reality. And there were other people who share the same interest and same views of the world. I began to cosplay, and at that time I met lots of new people, new friends. Being a girl who lives only revolve around school home and tuition centre, it was something new. I began to learn to socialize with people. I learn techniques on make up and how to sew. How to create crafts and i have friends who i can hang out and have fun with. It was like drug. The more i cosplay, the more it became sort of competitive too.

I believe sincerely, i was the most beautiful when i cosplay. I believe that pretty people in this world gets it easy. Which i sincerely believe it is a fact. They are eye candy and they are special. Especially for cosplayers. They are attention seeking. But they are pretty. (not all) I don't deny it was a expensive hobby. However, i knew the way to minimize the expense and make it cheap. To my parents, this girl is wasting their precious money and time. That's also the reason why, i do not ask money from my parents when i cosplay. I work and i cosplay with my own money only. Of course, my siblings were also disgusted by this weird culture and did not think this more than a child's play. No one in the family supported me.

Until I was 16. We continue to quarrel and have huge fights, over and over again. Everyday was hell. I was tired and they were tired. The pattern is always the same. Fight. I became good. Then i complain. Then we fight again.

At 17, i was to choose the poly course they approved of. Of course, animation was out of question. My father told me, if i were to choose animation he would not pay for my education. And when i considered JC just like all my brothers, my mother would pour cold remarks at me stating that i was not smart and should just quickly graduate with a diploma. A child's dream was not encourage at young. Neither would it be encourage in the future. I looked at them and thought if I could finally earn some praise by doing something they approve. Anyway, all my life, ive done things that would please them. Perhaps this time I could somehow get by and do them proud again. Also, ngee ann poly had Japanese tsubasa club for cosplay that was also the reason i gave in to take up engineering.

It was indeed, a horrible decision to have taken engineering.

I scored a GPA of 2.2 for my first semester and by then i was so sick of engineering. I had to retake the building physics module which means i have to graduate late. I totally see no point if i have to graduate later than other ppl. With such low gpa and also, the thought of doing this for 3 years and working in civil engineering for another 20 -30 years horrified me. Back then, because no one in my class was otaku and my 2 friends in poly left me for the more popular kid, i was alone and talk to no one in class until the start of sem 2.

It was slightly heartwarming in sem 2 where i met 3 older boys from ITE and JC who came to poly for a proper cert. They pretty much did not judge me and i was able to laugh and pass days with them. They were also helpful about studies. Of course, i tried to be useful as well when it comes to english and presentations. It was really something I am grateful about, for life, i will remember their kindness to me. I scored lower gpa of 2.1 at the end of the year. I did not regret though as i know, i was full with my hands in preparing a portfolio then, in order to transfer school to singapore poly.

I worked really hard that long vacation. Emailing and prepping portfolios. I ran throughout singapore applying and hoping they would approve me. SP initially rejected me. I was devastated. I went on to look for Nan Yang poly and NAFA. At the same time emailing SP for another chance. SP had email malfunction because they didn't reply my email for weeks. When i lodge a complaint, finally the in-charge called me to clear up the misunderstanding. If i had given up and not complain, im sure i wouldn't be in SP studying design now.

There goes, why did i chose design?

Since 14, I was mostly left alone at home. With my free time, i was either watching anime on just chatting and blogging or playing online games. Blogging was the IN thing then. I learned about Java scripting and was competitive with my classmates about new blog designs and so on. It was interesting to build websites using java scripts. I spend nights and days playing around with codings to recreate things from those pre made templates on blogger. It made me happy when I could do something nice. Since i wasn't a talented artist. I find that i could do things well digitally. My 3rd brother actually installed PS 2 then. Which was the main reason I am familiar with PS. When I had nothing to do, I would take pictures with my dad's digital camera and photoshop them. Even graphics online, that i took and PS for my blogs. I enjoyed playing with the effects. Creating beautiful images to be put on the web.

Cosplay was also another reason that i thank. With cosplay, comes photography involve. I borrowed photog's camera and play with them. Turns out I could take pretty awesome pictures with my sense of visual beauty. My ex-boyfirend and I enjoyed going on photography trips very much. It was good memories. That's when I know, since I meddle with Java scripts and photoshops and photography a lot, my flare in digitally creating images should be the career of my future. I realized this was my interest for very long time. And that I want to design when I work as a adult.

Sadly, design, since long ago was seen my most old people as something that would not do great business. Something like being an artist or a musician. If you have no talent, reality will only bring you to hunger.

I vividly remember, when i was 7, i was the best dancer in the chinese dance cca. My mum was all along reluctant for me to join this cca. She thinks it's a waste of time since im not focus at all. All though i really wanted this cca, her discouragement eventually led me to give up. When i went to the staff room and told the teacher I am quitting, tears just flow down my cheeks. I was 7 and i was so sad.

I've always love to sing and love music as a child. Even at 3 or 4 yrs old, i already knew the tunes to most pop songs then. Every time my mum drives, i would want to follow so i can listen to the radio. When i wanted to take chinese orchestra in pri 2, my mum objected. In the end, i ended up being a librarian and at pri 6, joined the computer club. I always thought if my mum have approved, i might actually do really well since i love music and supposedly musically inclined. Being the best music performer in kindergarten, ive always got faith.  I even told my mum i wanted to learn piano since 6 till im 19 now and i still wanted to learn. She stills disapproved. Doesn't have money for piano lessons but lots of money for tuition and assessment books.

So when secondary school came, I was excited as im a little older, and thought i could make decision myself now. I was wrong. I join marsiling secondary because they have chinese orchestra. My mum objected yet again, citing that it's very noisy for me to practice at home. Is it not for her selfish reasons that she kept blocking her child's potential. I ended up doing badminton which she later also complains of me not coming home early to help her.

Time and again I have asked. The reason I was born, was it for her convenience or to nurture a girl into a refine and ambitious lady. It always felt like, my parents prefer to choose the easy way out whenever it comes to their youngest dumbest and most useless daughter.

A little girl's self confidence was crush from the day she was born to the day perhaps she dies. Even with so many things her parents did which she felt unfair and wrong. At the age of 19, she only hopes to be able to help herself, to flourish and nurture her potential herself. She did not asked much. All she did was made her own decision yet her parents condemn her as if her life was theirs and they will control it. Should the girl pretend to smile? Or the parents could also control her emotions? I actually wished they could control how i feel, and perhaps i would felt better.

Do not looked at me like im a victim here. For I have done many countless nasty things to my parents in the cause of retaliating them. This life that they gave me or tried to live for me. I do not deny, I hurt them. I abuse them verbally. Sometimes even physical fights. I threaten them knowing they somehow still love me. They say mean things which sometimes they don really mean. Actually, I understood them all. However, I simply do not want to give in anymore. Just because they cried, why would i suffer more years of misery in order for them to gain happiness. The problem is not for them to triumph over me, but to accept me and accept what I do. To stop expecting what they want for me and to just accept it. The answer is actually that simple.

I have a hot temper. I am fat and ugly. Im not so talented. I'm vulgar. I have a bad habit of always being late. I demand a lot and hurt people without thinking. But for one thing i can say. I don mean evil unless im force to. Im usually helpful and kind hearted. I do not reject people if they require my help. But please do not treat me like a fool. Do not judge me. Just treat me normally like any other human. I will do want i want to do.

I do not know what will happened from now. Perhaps I will really move out soon. Or not, whatever it is. I know, my parents and I can never come to an agreement. That, I have to move sooner or later. That I have to pay my own university fees weather im studying in singapore or not. Public or private. In the end I still have to take care of myself like I always do. Since primary school. Like always. They will forever remember all the bad things i've done. They will not question why does it happened. To them, parent's command is absolute. It's either do or die. The child's feelings do not have to be taken into consideration. The child should understand it's only natural to listen.

I'm sorry. That I have dreams of my own. I'm sorry I wanted to make my own choice instead. I'm sorry for wanting to make myself a better person for my dreams. I dream that I have many skills and broad social network. I dream I have good experience and is able to do and achieve great things in my career next time. I merely dream things that disappoint my parents.

If I dream, it disappoints my parent. If I do not dream, I disappoint myself. Will someone tell me the right answer. Someday where I can proudly say "I have a fulfilling life, family, friends and career". I do not think life is perfect. I just happened to be more fortunate and less fortunate.

Inspired long essay after reading They fuck you up, by Olive James.

宇宙人　より

All 3 brothers have also left home at some point in their life to pursue education in another land. Eldest was all along in KL and Afterwards america since 17. The 2nd left to live in singapore with my grandmother since 17 as well. The 3rd left 5 years later when he is 17 to stay with my grandmother in singapore. Needless to say, the house in malaysia became really empty. Without their son's company, they are quiet and lonely at home. Each time, any of the sons return to the house, my parent would cooked up a feast for them. Delicious chicken rice and braised pork. Kangkong sambal chilly and si chuan veg soup. sometimes, curry chicken and teow chew style porridge. These are things that are considered luxurious to me when I was in pri sch.

It is quite apparent that my daily meals consist of meals cooked by the maid. Just bread in the morning and porridge with fish and veg in the afternoon. Dinner was rice and well, every meal is cook by the maid. As the last child with huge age gap between all brothers, it is not surprising that my mother would have took care of all 3 brothers till they are all teenagers. Because the youngest daughter was still kindergaten then. When all the brothers had to pursue their education somewhere, the mother took the chance to get back to the workforce after leaving for 10 year + to take care of all 4 children.

Our mother, was someone who likes to learn and work. Having 4 kids, jailed her for 10 years +. When all 3 of the kids were pretty much grown up, the 4th one is at disadvantage. She does not like to be locked up at home taking care of the last burden. Thus when they left her (daughter) alone to play and hired a maid subsequently after the youngest daughter foolishly open the door to a stranger in primary sch.

I, am the forth child. I am the youngest and the only girl. What I will tell you, is my side of the story, as a child to my teenage years. What become of me today and the tragic of this family.

As a child, I was not very smart. I couldn't count money at the age of 6. I had to have all 5 people in my family to slowly teach me with patience on how to count. As far as I could remember, I was always the noisy and useless one in the family. I was not smart and not particularly talented in any field. I often cause trouble and is always clumsy. The only niche in me was perhaps, my learning ability of house chore. Because I wasn't smart and I wasn't talented, all I could do is learn to cook, clean, wash and mop. My parents, especially my mum, was delighted, each time I could do something to help her. She thinks that I am a good girl when I help her with chores and would praise me even. The last child is often at disadvantage because all the love is exhausted. In desperation of love, I could only do this much in order to get some favor. I listen to my brothers command and do them whole heartedly. Especially the 3rd brother. I didn't have play mates and he was my only playmate. I wanted his attention so badly and as he command me to fetch him water or switch on the fan and tv for him, i did it all with delight. Yet, I was also the rebellious child, taking after my 3rd brother. I always end up getting beaten all over.

Throughout the years, my brothers kind of get the hint from my parents that I was the youngest and don't have much say. I was not smart and clumsy so of course if shit happens, It just easier to push the blame to the defenseless one. I couldn't count the number of times things like this happens. Which probably is the cause of me being rebellious as i always seek redress yet unsuccessful. Even at home, being treat fairly and equally was hard, much less from school and society. You could very well say that at the age of 10, I understood humanity and human characteristics. Yes. I couldn't trust anyone but myself was what I've told myself since forever. At such young age and I already understood the truth and the ugly. My childhood was quite the different than you would expect from a young girl.

It was hard trying to earn some love from my family. Doing chores was soon seen as something natural instead of special. I was not smart. My mother who have always believe that books are the ultimate education for a child. She sent me to many tuitions and was very particular about my grades and often compare them to my brothers or other children. To her, I have to meet the mark just like my brothers all did her proud. I find myself chasing my brothers steps since 6 years old. I chose the same primary school and secondary school that my 3rd brother goes to. Perhaps, it made me feel easier to catchup to him since we didn't have much age and intelligence gap. From pri 1 to 2, i was really very lazy. I didn't like to study but was force on to complete book after books of assessment books. Then I would cry in bed over the fact that I suck and my parents don't love me as much cause im dumb.

What really hit me was from Pri 2 to 6. I worked really hard. I think i can even swear. I was a diligent kid. Even though I hated studying. I hated school because the teachers hits me and shames me in class and later infront of the whole school. My "friends" sabotage me to the teacher and I was alone throughout my lower primary days. I studied really hard since primary 3, because i thought with good grades, the teacher and my parent would praise me. I was desperate for people to acknowledge me.

It didn't paid off though. No matter how hard i try, I still end up at the 4th class every year. Yet in my pri 4 days. A special friend appeared and have always been with me, even until now. There were thick and thins. Confusion. Betrayal. Remorse. In pri 6, even a child's maturity will grow. I found myself a circle of good friends who I always hang out with. The true meaning to having a clique in the class for the first time of my life. I was not despise by classmates. I was a tyrant character since Pri 1. As I acted differently since young, believing that no one is good and everyone is out to get me. It made me a rough and agressive girl. Perhaps stress at home and with grades, build up. Perhaps, no one really cares if i was naughty or mean in school. I learned vulgarities from boys and fought in the school bus with boys. It was like natural for me. I did not allow people to bully me unofficially. i fought back. Though when it comes to teachers and school, i have no control when the teacher felt like slapping my face. Asking me to buy her coffee or massage her shoulders. Yet, to survive this cruelty, i quietly did as command, by this teacher in my pri 2 and 3 class. Sometimes even had to perform for her amusement. I must say, kids who knows how to curry favor her have a good time getting away. While kids who fought back taste her slapping more than a well rounded school life.

Needless to say, a child who knows nothing about human rights and laws, did not question. A child would only think she is at fault every time. Which goes to show why the parents were ignorant of such issues only in the child's later teenage life, where they fought greatly did the girl blurt out the truth. Yet by then, she already knew that the teacher was not right. However, she would not have pursue anything since its been a few years ago.

In secondary school, my parents moved to singapore to live in order to make my 2 brothers live in the same roof as them again. Back then, the security in JB was also bad. They often repeat to me about the biggest reason they move house was for my safety which I've always doubt so.

My secondary school years was dark yet not as bleaked as my pri sch yrs.
For some reason, I worked just as hard and was often rewarded the top 10 positions in class. I wasn't smart but I guess my diligence paid off. My parents were proud of me each time i tell them how wonderful I did with my maths test. Or how I managed to score in my examinations.
I could say, in my sec 1 and 2 lives, my parents really dote me. I help with house chore and score good grades, just as they wanted.

At this point of time, my mother decided to study nursing in ITE and i sort of become the mother of the family. Cooking and cleaning are like part of my duty everyday. My mother travels 1-2 hrs each they back and fro to her school. While my school is just beside my house. Having to juggle cca, school and the house, my patience really got messed. As the days goes by, we all started to have lots of quarrel mostly due to my complaints and expectation of me doing the chores were not met.

Then, I got into the best class in sec 3. I did not have it easy. I realized even when I was top 10 in sec 1 and 2, I cannot achieve the same in sec 3. I was falling behind class. Eventually, my results became so problematic, I ran away from cca a few times even when I was the captain for Girl's division badminton. There are teachers who showed concern in the right ways and the wrong ways. Eventually i threw away Add.Math and Accounts. Ended up doing what I was best at. My parents were once again, gone back into looking down on me.

So, how did I actually survive such terrible childhood?

I ran into the virtual world. Anime. There were stories in anime where people were polite, there were true love and truth in everything. They showed the ugly but also how people could be good. Everything seems such a good deal in anime. It's like faith in humanity restored only in Anime. It was my source of happiness and source of comfort. It's like telling me, it's ok. We know it's hard. There are people suffering just like you. That's why I love anime and Love Japanese culture. At a point of time, you could also say, i was addicted to it.

Of course, it leds to even more disgust by my parents when they knew their daughter being into Japanese culture. To them, Japanese are wicked people (due to the war). They were even more disgusted when they knew i started cosplaying.

Cosplay was a hobby i developed when I first went to chingay event with the school when i was 16.
It was amazing to me that time, that virtual characters could come to live in reality. And there were other people who share the same interest and same views of the world. I began to cosplay, and at that time I met lots of new people, new friends. Being a girl who lives only revolve around school home and tuition centre, it was something new. I began to learn to socialize with people. I learn techniques on make up and how to sew. How to create crafts and i have friends who i can hang out and have fun with. It was like drug. The more i cosplay, the more it became sort of competitive too.

I believe sincerely, i was the most beautiful when i cosplay. I believe that pretty people in this world gets it easy. Which i sincerely believe it is a fact. They are eye candy and they are special. Especially for cosplayers. They are attention seeking. But they are pretty. (not all) I don't deny it was a expensive hobby. However, i knew the way to minimize the expense and make it cheap. To my parents, this girl is wasting their precious money and time. That's also the reason why, i do not ask money from my parents when i cosplay. I work and i cosplay with my own money only. Of course, my siblings were also disgusted by this weird culture and did not think this more than a child's play. No one in the family supported me.

Until I was 16. We continue to quarrel and have huge fights, over and over again. Everyday was hell. I was tired and they were tired. The pattern is always the same. Fight. I became good. Then i complain. Then we fight again.

At 17, i was to choose the poly course they approved of. Of course, animation was out of question. My father told me, if i were to choose animation he would not pay for my education. And when i considered JC just like all my brothers, my mother would pour cold remarks at me stating that i was not smart and should just quickly graduate with a diploma. A child's dream was not encourage at young. Neither would it be encourage in the future. I looked at them and thought if I could finally earn some praise by doing something they approve. Anyway, all my life, ive done things that would please them. Perhaps this time I could somehow get by and do them proud again. Also, ngee ann poly had Japanese tsubasa club for cosplay that was also the reason i gave in to take up engineering.

It was indeed, a horrible decision to have taken engineering.

I scored a GPA of 2.2 for my first semester and by then i was so sick of engineering. I had to retake the building physics module which means i have to graduate late. I totally see no point if i have to graduate later than other ppl. With such low gpa and also, the thought of doing this for 3 years and working in civil engineering for another 20 -30 years horrified me. Back then, because no one in my class was otaku and my 2 friends in poly left me for the more popular kid, i was alone and talk to no one in class until the start of sem 2.

It was slightly heartwarming in sem 2 where i met 3 older boys from ITE and JC who came to poly for a proper cert. They pretty much did not judge me and i was able to laugh and pass days with them. They were also helpful about studies. Of course, i tried to be useful as well when it comes to english and presentations. It was really something I am grateful about, for life, i will remember their kindness to me. I scored lower gpa of 2.1 at the end of the year. I did not regret though as i know, i was full with my hands in preparing a portfolio then, in order to transfer school to singapore poly.

I worked really hard that long vacation. Emailing and prepping portfolios. I ran throughout singapore applying and hoping they would approve me. SP initially rejected me. I was devastated. I went on to look for Nan Yang poly and NAFA. At the same time emailing SP for another chance. SP had email malfunction because they didn't reply my email for weeks. When i lodge a complaint, finally the in-charge called me to clear up the misunderstanding. If i had given up and not complain, im sure i wouldn't be in SP studying design now.

There goes, why did i chose design?

Since 14, I was mostly left alone at home. With my free time, i was either watching anime on just chatting and blogging or playing online games. Blogging was the IN thing then. I learned about Java scripting and was competitive with my classmates about new blog designs and so on. It was interesting to build websites using java scripts. I spend nights and days playing around with codings to recreate things from those pre made templates on blogger. It made me happy when I could do something nice. Since i wasn't a talented artist. I find that i could do things well digitally. My 3rd brother actually installed PS 2 then. Which was the main reason I am familiar with PS. When I had nothing to do, I would take pictures with my dad's digital camera and photoshop them. Even graphics online, that i took and PS for my blogs. I enjoyed playing with the effects. Creating beautiful images to be put on the web.

Cosplay was also another reason that i thank. With cosplay, comes photography involve. I borrowed photog's camera and play with them. Turns out I could take pretty awesome pictures with my sense of visual beauty. My ex-boyfirend and I enjoyed going on photography trips very much. It was good memories. That's when I know, since I meddle with Java scripts and photoshops and photography a lot, my flare in digitally creating images should be the career of my future. I realized this was my interest for very long time. And that I want to design when I work as a adult.

Sadly, design, since long ago was seen my most old people as something that would not do great business. Something like being an artist or a musician. If you have no talent, reality will only bring you to hunger.

I vividly remember, when i was 7, i was the best dancer in the chinese dance cca. My mum was all along reluctant for me to join this cca. She thinks it's a waste of time since im not focus at all. All though i really wanted this cca, her discouragement eventually led me to give up. When i went to the staff room and told the teacher I am quitting, tears just flow down my cheeks. I was 7 and i was so sad.

I've always love to sing and love music as a child. Even at 3 or 4 yrs old, i already knew the tunes to most pop songs then. Every time my mum drives, i would want to follow so i can listen to the radio. When i wanted to take chinese orchestra in pri 2, my mum objected. In the end, i ended up being a librarian and at pri 6, joined the computer club. I always thought if my mum have approved, i might actually do really well since i love music and supposedly musically inclined. Being the best music performer in kindergarten, ive always got faith.  I even told my mum i wanted to learn piano since 6 till im 19 now and i still wanted to learn. She stills disapproved. Doesn't have money for piano lessons but lots of money for tuition and assessment books.

So when secondary school came, I was excited as im a little older, and thought i could make decision myself now. I was wrong. I join marsiling secondary because they have chinese orchestra. My mum objected yet again, citing that it's very noisy for me to practice at home. Is it not for her selfish reasons that she kept blocking her child's potential. I ended up doing badminton which she later also complains of me not coming home early to help her.

Time and again I have asked. The reason I was born, was it for her convenience or to nurture a girl into a refine and ambitious lady. It always felt like, my parents prefer to choose the easy way out whenever it comes to their youngest dumbest and most useless daughter.

A little girl's self confidence was crush from the day she was born to the day perhaps she dies. Even with so many things her parents did which she felt unfair and wrong. At the age of 19, she only hopes to be able to help herself, to flourish and nurture her potential herself. She did not asked much. All she did was made her own decision yet her parents condemn her as if her life was theirs and they will control it. Should the girl pretend to smile? Or the parents could also control her emotions? I actually wished they could control how i feel, and perhaps i would felt better.

Do not looked at me like im a victim here. For I have done many countless nasty things to my parents in the cause of retaliating them. This life that they gave me or tried to live for me. I do not deny, I hurt them. I abuse them verbally. Sometimes even physical fights. I threaten them knowing they somehow still love me. They say mean things which sometimes they don really mean. Actually, I understood them all. However, I simply do not want to give in anymore. Just because they cried, why would i suffer more years of misery in order for them to gain happiness. The problem is not for them to triumph over me, but to accept me and accept what I do. To stop expecting what they want for me and to just accept it. The answer is actually that simple.

I have a hot temper. I am fat and ugly. Im not so talented. I'm vulgar. I have a bad habit of always being late. I demand a lot and hurt people without thinking. But for one thing i can say. I don mean evil unless im force to. Im usually helpful and kind hearted. I do not reject people if they require my help. But please do not treat me like a fool. Do not judge me. Just treat me normally like any other human. I will do want i want to do.

I do not know what will happened from now. Perhaps I will really move out soon. Or not, whatever it is. I know, my parents and I can never come to an agreement. That, I have to move sooner or later. That I have to pay my own university fees weather im studying in singapore or not. Public or private. In the end I still have to take care of myself like I always do. Since primary school. Like always. They will forever remember all the bad things i've done. They will not question why does it happened. To them, parent's command is absolute. It's either do or die. The child's feelings do not have to be taken into consideration. The child should understand it's only natural to listen.

I'm sorry. That I have dreams of my own. I'm sorry I wanted to make my own choice instead. I'm sorry for wanting to make myself a better person for my dreams. I dream that I have many skills and broad social network. I dream I have good experience and is able to do and achieve great things in my career next time. I merely dream things that disappoint my parents.

If I dream, it disappoints my parent. If I do not dream, I disappoint myself. Will someone tell me the right answer. Someday where I can proudly say "I have a fulfilling life, family, friends and career". I do not think life is perfect. I just happened to be more fortunate and less fortunate.

Inspired long essay after reading They fuck you up, by Olive James.

宇宙人　より

I have a dream. My dream is to become a Graphic Designer. I'm currently pursuing Dip. Visual Communication & Media Design in Singapore Polytechnic. I aim to finish my diploma and study at "the one acadamy" for a degree. Right now, that is my greatest aim in life. I'm an aquarius, born on 26 January 1994. 19 Years old this year. I'm living in Singapore now but I'm born in Malaysia. I'm an Otaku. I love Anime and Proud to be a J-Lover.

Flickr Pinterest Behance Youtube ニコ動画 Twitter WixPortfolio Mervin Amelia XiangLin